Depression

A post from 2019

Snap out of it!

What’s wrong with you?

You have so much going for you

You’re young

You have your whole life ahead of you

What do you have to be depressed about?

“Depression doesn’t need a reason.”

The End of the World

A poem from 1995

The world ended a long time ago

I’m waiting for the rest to catch up

Waiting for something interesting to happen

But seriously doubting it will

Just biding my time

twiddling my thumbs

So boring

day in, day out

not much changes

summer’s here and I hate it

autumn will come and that’s okay

winter is a drag

spring is the pleasant time, spoiled only

by the thought of dreadful summer

then before you know it

a year has gone by

and everything’s the same

and the end of the world came a long time ago

and I’m still waiting

and nothing interesting happens

my watch hasn’t stopped

just twiddling my thumbs

So boring

year in, year out

not much changes

some new worries

a bit more hopelessness

summer’s here

and I hate it

Self Downing

A poem from 2017

Listen to an audio rendition..

I'm bad

I know I'm bad

I'm a sinner

Not a winner

Selfish grinner

Full smile wiped off my dirty face

The lowest of the limbo low

No further southern point to go

Wicked as the devil could be

Despicably depraved me

A wriggly worm in the dirt

A slimy slug in your herbaceous borders

I'm completely out of order

All my thoughts are disgusting

All my words curses

All my deeds dastardly

Totally unlovable

Irredeemable

Every inch a failure

Never hitting the mark

A capital L loser

A pig in a poke

A dog eating it's own puke

Pack myself in a suitcase and hide

Nobody deserves to see this

Take me away and throw me into the sea!

Oh mercy me! Oh mercy mercy me!

Activation

A poem from 2016

Oh, you vicious circle!

Fettered to a central point

Walking round in daily grind

Same old same old

Drudgery is the norm

Grumbling, ever present storm

Emotionally cold

Tortured mind

Oh, slow me down till I can't sleep

Tire too easily

In the valley, the mountains seem so high

And simple tasks an impossible chore

Life is not worth it any more

But it won't end, I don't know why

“Break, chains!

Up, head!

See, your salvation comes!

Take control

Do stuff differently

Do stuff

The right stuff

Do more

Enjoy

Occupy life

Turn off the TV

Stop living horror fantasy

Ignore the monsters

You will enjoy it

You won't make a mess of it

It's not too difficult

With sword in hand

Land a blow to all your demons

Plan ahead

Set your face like flint, looking forward

And look forward!”

Depression Unfinished

A poem from 2016

I am calm now

I get easily irritated and don't know what to talk to her about

Dwelling on negative thoughts

Insular

I inhabit the world of my own mind

It's easier there

I can control what goes on - not

Will this constant tiredness never stop!

Sadness, gloom, misery, dismay!

I exposed myself

To minus thoughts, to annoyance

The fragile peace shattered

Into splintery pieces which do not shine

I have an innately unpositive view of myself

Nothing's going to change

But I'm more relaxed at the moment

Monotone

A poem from 2016

I know

I know how you don't feel

I know

I know the heart is dead

I know

The far stare when you talk

Eyes wide blank

I know

I know that soft drone

Words buzz

Words merge

No breaks

No full stop

No life it seems

I know

And it is such a shame

We live in a damp mist

Light rain is there

At all times

Our breath - a trudge

By paths we know so well

But no sign to show the way out

And yet!

There is golden sunshine

There is exquisite, aching hope

When we expect the least

In ways we cannot yet fathom

We can leave Denial

And the other dreaded Ds

With help

There is life more abundant

I now know the exit sign

It was covered by slimy moss

I now know how to breathe

Fresh sub-celestial air

I now know the promised rainbow

We don't have to drown in the drizzle

We can walk tall

We can walk!

Life punctuated by upright excitement

By curly questions

By smiley faces on the side

By naughty winks

Words undulate

Separate

Sparkle

Become clear

Hearable

Listenable

A tale of goodness

Wholesome

Whole

Holy

Lively eyes

Lightness in spirit

Feel!

Mood Music

A poem from 2016

Anxiety

A kind of background music

Discordant

Not to my taste

Blending into life

Poisoning everything

Like an earworm

Annoying thoughts pop up

Over and over

Repetition, causing deviation and hesitation

Leading to procrastination

Numb

Inside

Defence

Against

Hurt

Now a new normal

Low mood

Constant companion

Shafts of hope!

Flashes of light!

I see the tunnel has an end!

Momentary brightness!

Momentary lightness!

More serotonin please!

Black Vignettes

A poem from 2016

Watch me perform it on YouTube...

I am obsessed

Like a dog with a bone

That only I can see

Everything is good or bad

Everything is black or white

There is no inbetween

Whatever doesn't kill me kills me

Every setback is disaster

Failure and catastrophe dog me

You said one thing I disagree with

That makes you evil

And I hate you

And no matter what you say

I know what you really mean

I don't trust a word

Molehills

Mountains

Molehills

Armageddon!

One thing leads to another

And all of them are bad

No hope for the future

Every scenario fights against me

And only me

Everything's about me

What strangers say

Talking about me

Subtext after subtext

I'm calling the thought police!

Fat lot of good that will do, though

They're all useless

Yes, I know you think you're good

I've seen the good things you have done

But that one thing I disapprove of

Outweighs them all

I trash you

Because you have no feelings

And this makes me feel better

Well, not really

I am depression

I am social media

Chatter

A poem from 2016

Monkey monkey

Chatter chatter

I wanna be like you

Oo, oo!

Constant in my brain

Voices like mine

Chatter

Incessant

Oh, that thing you said yesterday!

Oh, that thing you're doing next week!

Oh, what if the house burns down?

Oh, you don't feel well!

Condemning

Ruminating

Worrying

Fear mongering

Sweating

Room closing in

Heart thumping

The shakes

Whirly swirly

Stuck in a loop

Dragging down

Spiral

SHUT UP!

*Fingers in ears* La, la, la!

Deep breaths

Count to ten

If I can make it that far….

Oh, body

Oh, mind

Monkey monkey

Chatter chatter

Who will rescue me from this mind of death?

I will, said that pill

I will, said CBT

I will, said mindfulness

Servants of the Lord, blessed small t trinity

So chatter chatter monkey monkey

I'm no longer listening

Do your worst

Or cooperate with me

I know your game now

I know how to beat you

I've won the war

And relax...