angro-anxious

A poem from 2016

Watch me perform it on YouTube...

I'm not an angry person

Tut! Frustration! Irritation!

Taps taps taps fingers on the table

Calming breaths would be good

No snap responses

It's easy to assume the worst

Or see problems as enormous

Quick, emotional responses make it hard to see mitigating circumstances

Be not quick to anger!

I've been let down

I try not to let things get to me

But I tense up

Can't focus

Concentration out of the window

Constantly focusing on what made me angry

Oh, I would rather sulk than confront

Moan, whine, be sarcastic

Living on edge

Apprehensive

Panicky

I can't cope with this!

I try to avoid these things

Why put yourself at risk unnecessarily?

Oh, yes, I exaggerate

Tense, a bit shaky, hot and sweaty!

Shallow, difficult breaths

Heart beating loudly

Avoid!

Get out of this situation!

Grumpy-grumps!

Upset

Wound up!

Teeth clenched!

Childish

Take me home!

Now!

Rubicon

A poem from 2016

Come over to my PleasureDomeTM

Fertile ground, virile ground

Gardens of D-lite

Bright

Greenery

The likes of which you’ll never see in Boringland

In Virtueland

You dolt! What are you waiting for? Here!

Six dozen whores or more

To treasure you

To caress you

To bless you

In bloody blood red

Cross over, cross over

Push you, shove you

*sighs* This should be easy!

Everything weighted in my favour

Odds stacked

Small inner voice smacked out of the ball park

No match for me!

I decree

Demon-lovers a plenty

Only a halfwit would resist

You see me through a mist

I offer you a stardust haze

Narcotic blaze

Crystal maze

Sugar craze

Poison (hey! That slipped out)

Forget I said that *bashful grin*

My song!

My symphony!

Moonlit sultanas

To please your ear

You can’t hear

Till you get here

What? Fear! *guffaw* *sneer*

That’s keeping you away?

Come, play

All the livelong day

I won’t say

A thing

To those you think are listening

What.Is.The.Delay?

I haven’t got all day! *checks watch* *crosses fingers* *leers*

You make it sound so good!

You make it sound so fine!

I wonder if I could?

I wonder if they’d mind?

Will I be the same?

Will I be ashamed?

Sounds so – tempting

Hey! What’s the Hell I am missing?

It’s my life anyway! *harrumph*

I’ll do what you say *hurray*

Open the gates

Enough of waiting!

I’m diving in!

I’m driving in!

Full speed ahead

Hormonally sped

Alive or dead

Here.I.Come!

*through bushes, over brambles, scrambled, flesh, torn, bled*

Epiphany!

Brighter colours I see!

Smells I never smelled!

Flavours I never tasted!

Elated!

Bye, holy moly nicey wicey traitors *wave*

New friends now

Dragging me along

Rushing me away

I won’t resist

Savour this bliss

Siren’s kiss

The edge

I pledge

To live life on

To give myself

Fully

To it all

Shapes

Lights

Dazzling

Unbounded

Unclouded

The world

My oyster

My plaything

My everything!

My all-I-need

My greed

Satisfied

Tried it all

Yes, I denied myself nothing my eyes desired

I refused my heart no pleasure

Anything I wanted I took

And it was putty in my bruised royal hands

It all turned to fool’s gold

And I grew older

And wearier

And more tired

And I saw it was all a waste

Never enough

Never ever enough

The colours faded

The fragrance a stench

Tasted bland

Milk of Parodies gone sour

Deflated me!

Little dogs laughed to see such fun

Mocking me

Despising me

Licking my sores

*Loser! Loser!*

The brink

The abyss

Headlong I fall

Abaddon

Abandoned

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Beyond

A haiku from 2016

The grass looks greener

Full of hope I cross the field

Someone hid the mud!

When I Couldn't Sleep I Looked Out Of The Kitchen Window

A poem from 1989

At 4 o’clock in the morning

she is so peaceful and calm

as I gaze upon her

in this night

There are lights

so that I can see her form

though she lies

unaware of my intentions

She reminds me of a woman I know

who only responds to my approaches

while she is in my mind

she is calm -

         so am I

Tomorrow

she will be full of life

and I am consumed with passion

Rumble Strips

A poem from 2016

My new neighbour

Don't know if he was on the phone or what

Effing and blinding

Not looking forward to talking to him

Started the garden transformation

Got to remove the grass

Then lay the weed membrane before

Putting out stones and pebbles

*My Cherie Amour, pretty little one that I adore*

I haven't heard from Dave for ages

Hope he's alright

Hope he's not upset because I didn't reply to his emails I never received

He's not usually the petty type

Work tomorrow

Groan!

Got a lot to do

Oh, yeah, that was weird that was

I might have put my foot in it yesterday

“Don't mention the war! I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it!”

Well, I thought it was funny

Not sure that German woman got the joke

I suppose they don't get Fawlty Towers over there

Oh, and Germans don't have a sense humour anyway!

Effing and blinding, he was!

His poor wife

Looks a brute, too

*You're the only one my heart beats for*

Not looking forward to talking to him

Not convinced my wife's keen on my garden transformation

Got to remove the grass

Of course it looks a mess, it's not finished

Remove the grass

Lay the weed membrane

Stones…

“I mentioned it once but…”

Oh dear, she's not amused

I'll try to avoid her in future

Maybe I should phone Dave?

*You're the only girl my…*

His poor wife

If she was on the other end of his effing

Brute

Burly

Muscular

Got to remove the grass

Basil doing his Hitler impression

Oh, that German woman

I'm embarrassed

Work tomorrow

*My Cherie…*

Dave

Weed membrane

Must do it right

Work tomorrow

His poor wife

Effing and blinding

<Crescendo - mental explosion - realisation - out of control - slow down before junction>

Breath

Breathe

The breath

Label the thoughts

Anxiety

Worry

Fear

Embarrassment

Breath

Breathe

The breath

In

Out

In

Out

Focus

Cool air into the nostrils

Through the throat

Chest rising slightly

A little tension

Diaphragm expanding

Nervous

Butterflies

And in reverse

And repeat

And repeat

And keep bringing the focus

Back

Back to the breath

Breath

Breathe

The breath