Whistler's Mother

A poem from 2016

To view a picture of the painting which inspired this poem, PLEASE CLICK HERE

When you first heard the words

“Mom, I want to paint you”

Were you flattered?

Did you wonder, “who wants to look at a painting of an old woman?”

Do you think, “I bet that young blonde turned him down again”

Was that your favourite chair?

How comfortable was it

Sitting there

For hours on end

Did you fidget?

Did your old bones ache?

How about your bladder?

Did you keep needing a wee?

Was it boring?

Staring ahead

No TV to distract you

You couldn't even pick up your knitting

Was it cold?

Or was there a fire?

Was that your normal dress?

Did you wear it all the time?

Did you once wear it at a funeral?

Was it once the fashion?

That painting next to you

Did your son paint that?

Did he hang his work up around the house?

Did you like it?

Did it brighten up the grey walls?

Did you often look at it?

Or did it become so much a part of normality that you only noticed it when wiping off the dust?

What was behind that curtain?

A window, I suppose

What did it look out on?

A garden?

A hillside?

A street with children walking by

Chattering

Or shouting, “old Ma Whistler!”

Or singing some silly rhyme

Popular at the time?

Did you think, “I'm going to be famous?”

Did you like the outcome?

Did he catch your best side?

Tuscan Kale

A poem from 2016

Dancing white butterflies

Whispering on the wind

Pretty display to make the heart merry

But they laid their eggs on my Tuscan Kale

And when I came back off holiday

Green caterpillars had eaten their fill

Holey leaves their greeting

So days on end I checked and squashed

Till I'd killed the little blighters

Living Sacrifice

A poem from 2016

Devalued currency

Soiled goods

A fallen angel

That little innocence

Lost

Morphed

To a tattered and torn life

Like Humpty Dumpty

Waiting for the King's men

Knights in shining armour

For love without pain

Without gain

A healing wind

A hope coming

To steal away the shame

To cut yourself

And bleed away

Another victim slain

A living sacrifice

Under the knife

I am so confused

It's all my fault

That I was sent away

Sweet Victory!

A poem from October 2016

His people think they won

Censorship

Stolen by a killer clown

Open the borders and apologise

She's a criminal

Conspiring to keep you dumb

Just slightly out of touch

I was happy to annihilate the enemy

The wife kicked me out and I slept on a bench

We beat tyranny

We cast out fear

We played by the rules

We are pretty funny

We prefer chocolate

We are the educated voters

Sweet victory!

Happy

A poem from 1990

I would be happy

to die

in a nice way -

in my sleep?

Without pain.

The tears could be wiped away from my heart.

Overthinking

A poem of 2016

Overthinking

Analysing to the nth degree

Leading down the path to stagnation

If I ever get on the path

Constantly rethinking

écoute et répète

Incessantly

Excessively

But nothing changes in the thought

Between the third time and the tenth

Stagnation, catastrophization

Huge little obstacle, poses an insoluble problem

This is not a flight I fancy

I must wait a while

Return

And overthink some more

Give Me Back My Rainbow!

A poem from 2016

“This is my covenant

My light, broken for you”

This is my pot of gold

Sucking lemon smiles, begin to fade

I am now my own worst virus

But I'm too outraged to dare to care

I wish you'd go away, we don't need your never-ending happiness

Am I blind to it?

See my hidden existential malady

You are not my father

You are not my pal

I will never try too hard

Never see the point

Get thee behind me, Jesus

Don't ever try to save me

This is not our sign in the heavens

This is not our schism

All our colours are shades of Sheol

Give me back my Tower of Babel

Give me back my rainbow

I am not a jealous god

Crushed

A poem from 2016

Orange

Strawberry and Kiwi

Grape

Cherry

Teacher

Pop star

Girl next door

Bobby (remember him?)

Pineapple

Peach

Anguish

Guilt

Weight

Bearing down

Unstoppable

Fear

Horror

Black

Despair

Darkness

ALL IS DARKNESS!

The Eyes Inside (Still)

A poem from 1990

My legs are my handkerchief

My arms are my napkin

My heart is weeping

It is tired from beating too fast

when you step into my mind

like the sun in my mourning eyes

and the rain in my hair.

You will not leave my head

because I wanted you to be there

but you are there too often

depriving me of rest.

You want my imaginary attention

as I vainly imagined you might want mine.

Stupid Game

A poem from 2016

Rumination

Worry

Two sides of the same coin

Heads you win

Tails I lose

Odds stacked

And that is why I'm learning not to play that stupid game

Sparkler

A poem from 2016

The night

The dark night

You were given to me

To have and to hold

Sparks flew

Fiery

Effervescent

Tiny stars

You glowed

Throwing out joyful light

I smiled

Laughed

Was happy as I looked at you

Your light

Your joy

Infectious

After glow

Burning brightly

Then

Almost without warning

The stars stopped shining

The light was gone

My joy replaced by disappointment

Darkness

Gloom

Memory

Sadness

Loneliness

Emptiness

Sirens

A poem from 2016

I'm sure when I was young

The police cars went

“NEE NAH NEE NAH”

And the ambulance had a different tone

But maybe it was the other way round?

Didn't fire engines just ding-a-ling-a-ling?

A blast of energetic sound

Out of nowhere

Waking up the day

Now it's so commonplace

Hardly registers on the scale of awareness

Unless it's nearby

Or you're driving along

And - screech! - you have to pull aside

Adding anger and thirty seconds to the journey

Jim was feeling fragile today

Bones aching like mad

Too many cups of tea

He needed a wee

Put one aged foot in front of another

Tripped over himself

Bang

Crash

Bone

Smashed

Jilly (as she likes to be known)

Loves her fags

And a daily fry up

Well, you had to have something to look forward to, didn't you?

Ooh, she was feeling queer

Heartburn?

It will pass

A flushing heat in her left arm

Shooting up to her ear

Now fear was here

Nausea

Hardly surprising

Tightness gripped her

Heavy invisible bear hug

Don't panic!

Dial 999

That's weird, Mary thought

I could swear I heard a noise upstairs

She lived alone

Well, apart from the cat

But the cat wouldn't make the floorboards creak like that!

Oh God, no!

Was there only one?

How did he get in?

Did he have a knife?

Or a gun?

Those were definitely footsteps!

What if he was a rapist?

When would she be missed?

Taking no chances, she silently crept to the door

Fumbling the key into the lock, quietly

Though it seemed loud to her and took an age

Then made a dash for safety

Mobile in hand

John always went home this way

Got off the train then headed for

“The short cut”

Going under the subway was never fun

Especially in the winter when it was dark

But it meant getting home five precious minutes earlier

The odd dodgy character

Or snogging teens

Conspicuous in a suit he set his face forward

And looking neither left nor right

Minded his own business

“Mate?”

Oh no.

Ignore!

“Got a quid, mate?”

Tense, he walks on

Until the boot is planted in the small of his back

John stops in pain

Again and again

Boots and fists reign in

“RTA, two cars, one red, the occupant dead, one grey, the man and woman conscious, bloodied, trapped, an arm snapped, air bags failed to deploy, stay with me son, fire engine is on its way, keep awake…”

Beautiful

She's so beautiful

Hauntingly glorious

Calling to me

Beckoning me on with voiceless promises

Warming my heart

I smile an idiot's smile

A lemming

Entranced

Hypnotised

Her eyes destroyed me

Hooked, lined, sinkered

I fell

And I am glad

So glad, when I hear a police car

Or an ambulance

Or a fire engine

That it's not me

Not me led over the cliff