I have to admit that I was wrong
- somewhere along the line
I miscalculated
I never expected to gain you
- so I could never lose you
and I figured
that I had nothing
to lose if I said, “I love you”.
But I was wrong.
I lost hope
I lost myself
I fell away into the deep divide
between life and death.
I have no tangible hope
no way forward
except to live each dreary day
in the wish that God
will one day change things
I was wrong
- I didn’t expect “yes”
- I didn’t expect “no”
to be so devastating.
I was waiting for it with a knot in my stomach.
It came
it greeted me
it hit me
it threw me
pushed me away
out of the game
out of my religion
out of my reading
out of my talking
out of my rational thinking
out of my mind.
I was wrong
- I underestimated the power of rejection
- I underestimated the power of not being loved
and of not
having the chance to love.
The power of denial
can be evil in this art
it can destroy you
grind you into uncountable pieces
change your countenance
your words
- then you see her face
and she can’t look you in the eyes
and there’s nothing to talk about
for there’s no point in making things worse
- and you see her face
- and you wish she’d change her mind
- and you see her face
- and you see she’s not making fun of you
- and you see her face
- and you see she’s hurting, too
- and you see her face
- and you can’t live without her
you can’t live with her
- and you see her face
- and you don’t want to hurt her
you really want to kiss her
but you’ve no hope
no chance
you’re lost
I’m lost.
I wish I could say
“I don’t care”
but that were untrue
I would deceive myself
the truth is not in me
it remains outside
in the cold, night air
wanting desperately to come inside
vying for position
(against the armies of Satan
against damned misfortune)
seeking me as it’s home
- but I can’t fight
- and I saw her face
- and I lost myself
- and I saw her face
- and I broke down inside
- and I saw her face
- and my words had to force themselves
through my throat
- and I saw her face
- and I was sad
- and I saw my face
- and I wasn’t surprised
at her response
- and I saw my behaviour
hers too
and I knew she couldn’t cope
- she played safe when she had the chance
but I am dangerous
I am detached
a body walking without a future wife planned
she didn’t want me
and now here I am
- devastated
and drowning.
I was wrong.
This happens each day
to countless millions
but that is no comfort to a dying fool
who disobeyed his master
his king
and who gives serious thought
to further ways of disobedience
who sees her face
and doesn’t know whether to rejoice
or be sad
to go quiet
or be loud to get her attention.
The fool said, “there is no hope”
even though the source of all hope
is in him
the source of joy in all abundance
the river of life, of everlasting peace which no longer seems to flow.
How many friendships must be lost
until true contentment raises it’s head?
How many times must a man laugh
before he offends his God
like a hypocrite
who’s too messed up to care
to share
with those who might be able to help?
Who cares?
Doesn’t time heal?
Don’t scars disappear?
Don’t cuckoos fly backwards in the summer?
Let me wait
give me time
to see
if times brings the answer.
