Apocrypha

A poem from 2017

(Part one - John’s Story)

Evening, Dave

Evening, lads

Mine's a pint

I bet you've wondered where I've been?

Three whole days since you've seen me

This cut upon my forehead

And the bruises

A tale of dread and victory I have for you

Where wickedness loses

Nezzar’s crew, the cur that curses our estate

Like a dog marking out his territory

Er pinkelt auf jeden Baum

Formidable and fear inducing he ravages the town

Warring gangs of which his is the strongest

Devouring the lesser gangs and Borg-like assimilates them into his own

He picks the choicest morsels for his own delight

And loots the corner shops at night

All bow before him

The police give him a wide berth

As he swallows up the earth

He now controls the drugs and whores

With iron fist

He brings terror to our good citizens

Boozy loud anti social nighttime shouting

Weed and powder dealing in broad daylight

Menacing chain and club carrying acolytes

Getting into fights

Threatening we law abiding folk

We are a joke to him

He pushes us around

Expecting we will not make a sound

My pate they struck

It was good luck

Because I then determined to set my face against him

End this subjugation

And free our fair estate

My subtle plan I did not hide

I called a special meeting of the Neighbourhood Watch

Rallied the troops with rousing speech

They, enthused, daubed themselves in blue war paint

I alone remained plain as I executed my plan

To Nezzar’s hide I crept

The guards I bribed with good tidings how they the estate could take

Nezzar's vanity I played upon and told a tale how I the Watch did infiltrate

Told him they had armed themselves and planned an attack

To take the city back

At first he laughed but through my cunning wit and bottles of high strength cider I had him persuaded

That I could play the traitor and breach the Watch's defence

Merrier the cider made him

He called in his inner circle and I told them my plans

Some of them mumbled but Nezzar grumbled and humbled they left

And so the cider flowed down his neck while mine flowed discreetly on the ground

And he fell to sleeping sound

He was snoring boldly

I coldly took my kitchen knife and cut off his head

Put it in my bag and left

I told the crew as I departed that Nezzar was not to be disturbed

I was returning to put the plan into action and tomorrow the Watch and the estate would fall

So I returned

And the Watch was watching and waiting for me

From my bag I pulled the head and spoke of our great victory!

I climbed onto my roof and secured the head of Nezzar to the television aerial

And we waited

The next morning early we marched to Nezzar's crew

They had discovered the headless corpse and knew not what to do

Our fearsome cries and war paint blue

So frightened their hungover heads they fled without a fight

We plundered their camp

Dividing up the spoil of cider, drugs and stolen goods

And here I am to tell the tale!

(Part two - Judy’s Story)

A knock?

Is that him come back with his tail between his legs?

Oh, Elsie, it's you!

I've had such a to-do!

That worthless wretch of a husband of mine

Came home not an hour ago

Stupid grin upon his face

Lipstick on his cheek and smell of perfume

Claims he doesn't know how they got there

I know!

It's her at number thirty two

Tart!

She's always had her eye on him

I don't know why, lazy pig

I flipped and struck him on the forehead with a frying pan

And pummeled his face with my fists

And out he went, licking his wounds

I'll bet he's down the boozer acting like nothing has happened