April (aka How To Get Your Poem Printed In The Local Newspaper)

A poem from 1986

I have tried twice

to get poems printed in the local newspaper

but the second time

I mentioned God

which eliminated it straight away

of course

there is a formula

a way

a cop-out

a wash-out

1)    write a poem about a local town

2)    write a poem about a current event

3)    become a close personal friend of the editor

4)    lick up to the editor

by sending a letter

praising the 'paper

5)    bribe the editor

6)    write about “times”

e.g. “October” in October

“November Song” in November

“January” in January

“Springtime” in Spring

7)    write a poem with meaningless words and time-old clichés about trees and flowers

(a sure-fire hit, this one!)

8)    write a poem slagging off someone

whose popularity is at a low ebb

or still better...

9)    don’t bother to send in a poem at all

because the same names

appear each issue with alarming regularity

and little poetic aesthetics

at all

And so

in light of the above

and in spite of point nine

here’s my third attempt:

it’s April and the daffodils are blooming in the sun

the children are on holiday and having lots of fun

in Crimplesham the village church lays silent in the morn

in respect of a local footballer and the ligaments he’s torn

it’s April and the blossoms on the trees begin to bud

I’ll bet it looked just like this right after Noah’s flood

primroses, tulips, hyacinths peeking from the ground

“sir, I love your ‘paper and I’d buy it for a pound!”